George and the Cherry Tree

Are you familiar with the story of George Washington and the cherry tree? It is heralded as a triumph of honesty and integrity, and supposedly pointed to his destiny as our country’s first president.

What you don’t know is the rest of the story. The real story of what happened. It’s still a story of honesty and integrity, but there is more. It’s a story that I’d bet most homeowners would be very familiar with. Here’s what happened.

George: Yes, I cannot tell a lie. I did cut down that cherry tree, fortruth.

Dad: I’m proud of you, George. Ye told the truth, even when it was notith easy. I’m still going to beat thee ass with my belt, but thy will still have thy honor. Red, sore, and bruised honor, but honor ye will have.

G: Shit. *runs and yells back* But Dad, I didn’t mean to cut down thy tree! *smack* Ow!

D: Get thee over here, ye cockchafer.

G: Seriously! *smack* Ow! Ye Limey dick!  Benny, I mean Mr. Arnold came over the other day and asked to borrow our hatchet to cut some of his trees. I couldn’t find it at the time, but when I was out doing chores in the woodshed – *smack* OW! Ye ball! – I found the hatchet. I took it over to his *smack* OW! Ye fackwad! house this morning to see if he still needed it.

D: Now ye lying is getting thick as porridge, quim. Get back here! *smack*

G: Ow! Piss! He wasn’t there so I came back home. As I walked back I noticed one of the branches of the tree was broken, so I trimmed it off to keep the tree healthy. *smack* Shit, ow! Whigg! Then the tree was all off balance so I trimmed a tree from the other side. *whiff* Missed me! *smack* Ow!

D: HA! Your fate is preordained. Accept it now or ye will feel my wrath two-fold.

G: Once I trimmed off that side, the other side seemed to big. OW! Soon I realized I trimmed the whole damn thing to a stump. *smack* OW! For real! I was just trying to make it look good and stay healthy! *smack* Ow! Ye tarnal! Screwth this.

D: Ye can’th run, boy! Ye residence is known to me!

G: Eateth my big one, ye nutlick! I’m outeth. Ye and thy British bull shit can suck my Yankee doodle. One day I’ll clear all thy shits outa here!

And that’s the way it happened. Google it.