Open Letter to the Men’s Room

Ok, guys. I realize that it is just a work bathroom, and not your home. I realize that there are people who come to clean the bathroom every night (thankfully). But I also realize that you probably weren’t raised in a shack in the bayou of Louisanna, and if you were, welcome to Colorado. We do things a bit different here.

Mr. Dribbler: Please take one step closer to the urinal. It’s not a long way. You still won’t be touching anything, and you will stop getting piss on the floor. It’s not difficult, and as an added bonus, you’ll probably get less drops on your pants.

Mr. H. Phobe: Enough with the hanging toilet paper all over the stall to keep people from seeing you poop. WE DON’T CARE. We don’t want to see you. If we did by accident, we’d be disgusted and embarassed and have to gouge our eyes out with spoons. We are not interested. If you must continue, put the used paper in the toilet or trash instead of leaving it on the floor. Ass.

Mr. Hoops: If you happen to miss the trashcan with the paper towel you used to dry your hands (thanks for washing BTW), pick it up and put it in the trash. Don’t leave it on the ground. All is it has on it is water and some of your skin cells.

Mr. Flush: Flush the freaking toilet. Use your foot on the handle if you have to, but flush. Twice if needed. Empty the bowl.

Mr. Hughs: I know that we are all nasty, germy people with disgusting sores and pustules all over our asses, that’s why you use those super hygenic paper seat liners. Fine. Cool. No problem. Flush them when you are done. Don’t leave them on the floor. Don’t hang them on the back of the toilet. Eat them for all I care. You used it, you dispose of it. BTW, I pee in the liner dispenser. {hugs}

Mr. Can You Hear Me Now: As important as that call is, you don’t need to take it while you are at the urinal or on the pot. I’ve listened to you. You were talking to a dude about some girl you met the other night. Totally could have waited. If it is an important client, they don’t want to hear your business. Or mine. Have you noticed how loud people are in the bathroom while you are on the phone? That’s me. Channeling the gas of a thousand hog farms for your call. And the grunting? That’s me too. I should get some more fiber in my diet. Hope your friends enjoy. Good luck on that sale.

Mr. Suit and Jacket: Wash your hands. I see you all the time, finishing your business, and walking out of the bathroom. Unless you are splashing about in the bidet, make a pit stop at the sink. BTW, we don’t have a bidet.

General Zod: No matter how intently you stare at your penis at the urinal, it won’t go any faster. Relax your grip, let your shoulders hang, and let nature take its course. I’m not watching you, but when I come in and it looks like you are trying to lift a 500 pound weight, I worry. Remember when you were in Pricilla Queen of the Desert? You were much more relaxed.

My Coworkers: I apologize. I just think it is funny to scare people I know when they are at the urinal. It’s totally unexpected. You didn’t even see me coming. You should see your faces!

That’s about it for now. There are some other things, but that would be nitpicky and petty. See you in the stalls.