Anxiety
A demon that thrives on it's own existence. Once it gets inside, it gets into all those corners that are dark and neglected, feeding on the things I try to ignore. Small crumbs of fear that like loaves and fishes, are gathered up and create baskets of crumbs to feed the next generation.
I'm struggling with this a lot now. Can I do it? Am I good enough? Did I make the right decision? Will I be able to make the next decision? How will I get through? Will my fear going insane come true? A nervous breakdown?
My current work is a big trigger for this which is very frustrating. My dad taught me to find something you love to do, and if you get a job where you can do it, you'll be happy every day. Something has gone wrong with that plan but I don't know what. Which scares me more. Do I not enjoy what I do anymore, or is it just for these people? If I do enjoy it, why am I not happy? Am I chemically imbalanced, or just confused? Am I a good enough dad? Husband? Dog owner?
The dad part really scares me. I don't want to put my fears and weaknesses into Lil Froggy. I want to give him the tools to be successful in whatever he wants to do, but what are those tools? Do I have them? Do I even know what they are to be able to teach him? Sometimes I feel almost paralyzed.
I went to therapy for a while and it helped for getting through the immediate overwhelming waves of anxiety, but now I'm trying to deal with the lingering fears that just won't go away. The build up behind the scenes and suck the joy out of the other things I do. Always worrying about work, what I'm not doing right, how to get things done in the whirlpool of change that I work in.
I keep trying to figure out ways to manage and control the changes and upsets, but it seems they come from all different directions. Plus, when I try to be proactive and jump ahead, I'm knocked back. For example, I pitched 2 months ago that we needed to rework the website and messaging to be ready for launch. Make it make sense as a product. I was told no. We don't need to do that. I was told I was focusing on the wrong thing. Now 2 months later, I'm getting frustrated feedback that the website is all wrong and off message, and I get the feeling that it's my fault. Is that real feedback, or am I just taking it too personally? I'm trying, but not succeeding. So am I just a victim of changing minds, or do I just suck? Should I be knocking this out no matter what? Fear. Self doubt. More anxiety.
Medication is a possible, and I'm trying different things. Citolapram, Clonasapam, Alcohol. I haven't liked the long term stuff because it takes the edge off of everything. No only does work effect me less, everything effects me less. Live gets even more dull and less interesting. I feel like nothing gets me excited. I stay in the lower end of normal for me. I like to get excited. I like to feel and get those highs. They feed me, and I don't make the time to get them any more. I am so stressed that I can't get the joy and excitement out of things to recharge myself.
This is where I need to put more effort. Making the time to get the recharge I need. I do have issues where I feel I am neglecting my family to do something for myself. I wish we could do things together as a family, but how selfish is that? I want them to come with me to see me play a soccer game. I want to with them to see what they love. I will work on this and see if it helps. I have to try something. I'm scared I'm losing it bit by bit, and then one day, there will be nothing left.